Living My Dash, Dying With Dignity
If you have met me, you know my connection with a little poem called "The Dash", by Linda Ellis. It found me several years ago and always touched my heart, but I truly bonded with it post Breast Cancer diagnosis. I feel as though I must start this blog entry with it, as I was given permission by the author.
The Dash
by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak at a funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning… to the end.
He noted that first came the date of birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time they spent alive on earth and now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own, the cars… the house… the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.
So, think about this long and hard; are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left, that still can be rearranged.
To be less quick to anger and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile… remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read, with your life’s actions to rehash, would you be proud of the things they say about how you lived your dash?
A doctor tells you that you have something that will eventually kill you. Cool. What the fuck do I do with that? How does one process this information (that is for a different blog post)? For me, I grabbed that shit by the balls. I gave it a big FUCK YOU! Once you hear those words, all fucks go out the door. Shit just got REAL! How did this become my life? Ok, no tears...keep it moving. Well, that worked for a while and then it didn't - I landed in a mental hospital (you guessed it...that is for yet another blog post). For me, "living my dash" means to be a good human, to always help others in any way that you can, to get away as much as possible, but also to also spend quality time with the people that you love. Like I said in my last post, I thought that I would get nuts and "start smoking cigarettes again, try some crack, blow every penny on fabulous vacations, whore it up, etc.".
So, my definition of "living my dash" had altered a bit. Instead, I have realized that I am simply "living my dash" every day just by getting out of bed - WINNING! I may not leave my house all that often, but there is a lot of love that comes through my front door. Boy am I blessed to have the people in my life that I do. I am living my dash when I am on the couch and one of my friends comes over to hang out or when Justin (bff/ex bf) is home for a few days and refuses to leave my house (just kidding). Or, when my buddy Bob drops off food or calls me 50 times a day.
But, when I do leave my house, I make it count! I am "living my dash" when I go see my girlfriends from high school's children on a random Tuesday (ends up being 5 against 3 up in that piece.... ZONE DEFENSE...haha!). Or when I go to a Sixer's game, tailgate the Phillies Home Opener, etc. (I have the coordinates for Broad & Pattison - Stadium District - tattooed on my arm - I LOVE games and concerts).
The moral of the story is, even though I am facing some difficult shit, I don't need to get all crazy and do crack. I can wrangle in my feelings related to losing control and just keep being a good person, attempting to make a mark on this world while I still have the wherewithal to do so. That leads me to the portion that comes AFTER "Living My Dash" in the title. "Dying with Dignity"...what does that mean? Are you familiar with the concept? Let me paint you yet another friggin’ picture -
Doctor tells you that you have something that will take you out.... SHIT! What do I, Andy Sealy, do? I LIVE MY DASH (see above) until I can no longer function. But what happens at that point; I don't wish to suffer (who would, right?). I KNOW that I am dying.... slowly, but surely. Could be this year...could be in 20 years. Either way, the outcome is the same. But, since I know what my fate will likely be, why do I have to suffer when the time comes? I want to leave this earth peacefully, with my loved ones surrounding me. I know what the end looks like for someone with Metastatic Breast Cancer. Awesome. So why should I be hooked up to machines and put myself, as well as my family/framily through that? I opt out...thank you! Now mind you, this will not be an easy feat but, due to an organization called Compassion & Choices (https://compassionandchoices.org/), and a woman you may recall named Brittany Maynard (http://thebrittanyfund.org/), I will most likely have the option to die with dignity in New Jersey, as New Jersey's End of Life Option Act is on its way to the Governor's desk for his signature and he stated that he will sign it (fingers crossed).
I have had the pleasure of having two phone conversations with Dan Diaz, Brittany Maynard's husband. Our second meaningful conversation was just last week. Both times we spoke, it was as if there was this huge weight being lifted off my shoulders because HE GETS IT. It was refreshing to have a conversation with someone who has been on the other side of this but also understands what his wife went through, as he was (and still is) her biggest advocate. After that conversation, this blog was born, I revised my Living Will, and I drafted My Last Will and Testament. I have truly been thinking about my last wishes and I wrote in my will that I want to be at my funeral. Think about it, I "live my dash" most times in my house, surrounded by those that I love; it is where I am at peace. I enjoy having company, telling stories, playing games, having some drinks, and smoking my pot (insert a big Thank You to Pennsylvania for my Medicinal Marijuana License).
It will be such a relief to know that, when shit comes to shit, and the time is near, I have the option to plan my last days. My hope is that medical aid in dying legislation will pass in Pennsylvania and I will live long enough to have this option afforded to me, if I chose to pursue it at that time. I am determined to assist in making this happen, by any means necessary, until I can no longer. However, if Pennsylvania does not pass this legislation, I would have to consider doing what Brittany did, leaving my home and relocating to New Jersey. That would require establishing residency and then finding a doctor willing to support my end-of-life choices. Once that is done, I can plan the details but there would be an opportunity to say goodbye to everyone on MY TERMS! Let me say that again....MY TERMS!
Talk about full circle: Dan made these same decisions with Brittany and, although she is no longer physically here, she continues to live on through him and his work for the cause (the guy really seems to know how to keep a promise)! Brittany advocated for this vital legislation because she felt it was a huge injustice that she had to leave her home and move to another state in order to have this option and, I feel the same way. It's crazy having this connection to a person I used to see on the cover of People all the time. I admired the stance she took and the balls she had. Adding to the "full circle" comment, the journalist who wrote my story for People also wrote all of Brittany's stories. She is the reason that Dan and I initially connected on this issue so, a quick shout out to Nicki Egan...thank you!
"I would not tell anyone that he or she should choose death with dignity. My question is: Who has the right to tell me that I don't deserve this choice? That I deserve to suffer for weeks or months in tremendous amounts of physical and emotional pain? Why should anyone have the right to make that choice for me?" - Brittany Maynard, CNN, November 2, 2014.
For any naysayers, this is by NO MEANS suicide. I was given a terminal diagnosis on March 24, 2017. Like I said - I took that one on the chin. I want to live, period! But, I also want to go out with dignity, while I still can "live my dash", being surrounded by those that I love. For this I say.... thank you Brittany, Dan, and everyone fighting for this legislation, including (but not limited to) Compassion & Choices. I hope to be a part in having this brought to the table and, consequently passed, in Pennsylvania.
All love...KEEP LIVING YOUR DASH!
Andy xoxo
The Dash
by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak at a funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning… to the end.
He noted that first came the date of birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time they spent alive on earth and now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own, the cars… the house… the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.
So, think about this long and hard; are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left, that still can be rearranged.
To be less quick to anger and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile… remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read, with your life’s actions to rehash, would you be proud of the things they say about how you lived your dash?
Do you see what I mean now? The italicized lines above fully encompass the way in which I choose to live my life and are hopefully how I am remembered in death. Let me attempt to paint the picture for you, so you can hopefully see this through my eyes -
So, my definition of "living my dash" had altered a bit. Instead, I have realized that I am simply "living my dash" every day just by getting out of bed - WINNING! I may not leave my house all that often, but there is a lot of love that comes through my front door. Boy am I blessed to have the people in my life that I do. I am living my dash when I am on the couch and one of my friends comes over to hang out or when Justin (bff/ex bf) is home for a few days and refuses to leave my house (just kidding). Or, when my buddy Bob drops off food or calls me 50 times a day.
But, when I do leave my house, I make it count! I am "living my dash" when I go see my girlfriends from high school's children on a random Tuesday (ends up being 5 against 3 up in that piece.... ZONE DEFENSE...haha!). Or when I go to a Sixer's game, tailgate the Phillies Home Opener, etc. (I have the coordinates for Broad & Pattison - Stadium District - tattooed on my arm - I LOVE games and concerts).
The moral of the story is, even though I am facing some difficult shit, I don't need to get all crazy and do crack. I can wrangle in my feelings related to losing control and just keep being a good person, attempting to make a mark on this world while I still have the wherewithal to do so. That leads me to the portion that comes AFTER "Living My Dash" in the title. "Dying with Dignity"...what does that mean? Are you familiar with the concept? Let me paint you yet another friggin’ picture -
Doctor tells you that you have something that will take you out.... SHIT! What do I, Andy Sealy, do? I LIVE MY DASH (see above) until I can no longer function. But what happens at that point; I don't wish to suffer (who would, right?). I KNOW that I am dying.... slowly, but surely. Could be this year...could be in 20 years. Either way, the outcome is the same. But, since I know what my fate will likely be, why do I have to suffer when the time comes? I want to leave this earth peacefully, with my loved ones surrounding me. I know what the end looks like for someone with Metastatic Breast Cancer. Awesome. So why should I be hooked up to machines and put myself, as well as my family/framily through that? I opt out...thank you! Now mind you, this will not be an easy feat but, due to an organization called Compassion & Choices (https://compassionandchoices.org/), and a woman you may recall named Brittany Maynard (http://thebrittanyfund.org/), I will most likely have the option to die with dignity in New Jersey, as New Jersey's End of Life Option Act is on its way to the Governor's desk for his signature and he stated that he will sign it (fingers crossed).
I have had the pleasure of having two phone conversations with Dan Diaz, Brittany Maynard's husband. Our second meaningful conversation was just last week. Both times we spoke, it was as if there was this huge weight being lifted off my shoulders because HE GETS IT. It was refreshing to have a conversation with someone who has been on the other side of this but also understands what his wife went through, as he was (and still is) her biggest advocate. After that conversation, this blog was born, I revised my Living Will, and I drafted My Last Will and Testament. I have truly been thinking about my last wishes and I wrote in my will that I want to be at my funeral. Think about it, I "live my dash" most times in my house, surrounded by those that I love; it is where I am at peace. I enjoy having company, telling stories, playing games, having some drinks, and smoking my pot (insert a big Thank You to Pennsylvania for my Medicinal Marijuana License).
It will be such a relief to know that, when shit comes to shit, and the time is near, I have the option to plan my last days. My hope is that medical aid in dying legislation will pass in Pennsylvania and I will live long enough to have this option afforded to me, if I chose to pursue it at that time. I am determined to assist in making this happen, by any means necessary, until I can no longer. However, if Pennsylvania does not pass this legislation, I would have to consider doing what Brittany did, leaving my home and relocating to New Jersey. That would require establishing residency and then finding a doctor willing to support my end-of-life choices. Once that is done, I can plan the details but there would be an opportunity to say goodbye to everyone on MY TERMS! Let me say that again....MY TERMS!
Talk about full circle: Dan made these same decisions with Brittany and, although she is no longer physically here, she continues to live on through him and his work for the cause (the guy really seems to know how to keep a promise)! Brittany advocated for this vital legislation because she felt it was a huge injustice that she had to leave her home and move to another state in order to have this option and, I feel the same way. It's crazy having this connection to a person I used to see on the cover of People all the time. I admired the stance she took and the balls she had. Adding to the "full circle" comment, the journalist who wrote my story for People also wrote all of Brittany's stories. She is the reason that Dan and I initially connected on this issue so, a quick shout out to Nicki Egan...thank you!
"I would not tell anyone that he or she should choose death with dignity. My question is: Who has the right to tell me that I don't deserve this choice? That I deserve to suffer for weeks or months in tremendous amounts of physical and emotional pain? Why should anyone have the right to make that choice for me?" - Brittany Maynard, CNN, November 2, 2014.
For any naysayers, this is by NO MEANS suicide. I was given a terminal diagnosis on March 24, 2017. Like I said - I took that one on the chin. I want to live, period! But, I also want to go out with dignity, while I still can "live my dash", being surrounded by those that I love. For this I say.... thank you Brittany, Dan, and everyone fighting for this legislation, including (but not limited to) Compassion & Choices. I hope to be a part in having this brought to the table and, consequently passed, in Pennsylvania.
All love...KEEP LIVING YOUR DASH!
Andy xoxo
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