Take it off...take it off (you ALL know the chant)

You thought this was gonna be all about getting naked, didn't you?

Honestly, any time I hear the phrase, "take it off", I instinctively think "pervy" thoughts (whatever). The phrase can certainly be used in a literal manner, but it can also take on a figurative interpretation. Either way you slice it, we are gonna talk about it!

Throughout all of this cancer shit, and even prior, I have encountered many instances that fit this topic. Here are just a few examples:

• Baring it all - Vulnerability
• Being naked - Removing the "mask"
• Expectations - *I need more clarity on this one*

Urban Dictionary describes vulnerability as "someone who is completely and rawly open, unguarded with their heart, mind, and soul. Being vulnerable happens when you trust completely. Rather its vulnerability by pain or joy, it's being exposed with all of the emotions that make it easy for someone (someone you trust) to really do some emotional damage or healing."

"Vulnerability is the surrender of all control and personal power in regards to letting someone close enough to destroy you!"

Deep shit, right? No wonder I struggle with being vulnerable. I believe I left most situationships/relationships when I became too vulnerable and/or dependent on my partner. Because I could not accept myself, I EXPECTED to be rejected by my partner! Sick shit, right? Ironically, I still tend to reject people, in a romantic setting, for the fear that they will reject ME in the future. I am the type of person that would rather sit in the house, not doing anything, before I ask anyone for anything. Where has that gotten me? Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc. What the fuck? LOL! All this time I assumed it was attractive NOT to be needy, but I have learned that there is a very fine balance. Currently, I am working my hardest on learning to open up about how I feel in ALL facets of my life, particularly relationships (romantic, familial, friendships, etc). This shit is HARD!  I briefly spoke about not having a desire to leave my house and feeling virtually naked (refer to the "No Sorry Allowed" entry for more on that). Opening myself up through blogging has left me open for even more criticism, but it all comes back to being authentic and having a continued desire to help OTHERS. Please note - I am not any sort of authority on ANY of these topics - I JUST SPEAK MY TRUTH!

Let's get to what we ALL "assumed" this blog was going to be about, based on the title - getting "BALLS ASS NAKED" (I find that phrase so goddamn funny). Of course I know that we all have insecurities, but I have some friends that PREFER to be naked. Excuse me, WHAT HUN? What happened to me in MY life (besides cancer) that made me feel shame being nude? It is really fascinating how we can all be so close, yet so different. Obviously I have some additional issues from having scars and not working out, but I have chosen to just let it all go.....FUCK IT! Guess what - I have learned that I have to love myself, physical and mental scars included, before anyone else can love me. I know, we have all heard this SO. MANY. TIMES...but it is true! Once I said "FUCK IT" and showed people my bare body, all bets were off. People then KNEW what I looked like naked, and I became FREE - I removed the mask". THAT is freedom - when you are in your most RAW form. I am, by no means, saying that I have a ton of self-confidence. What I am saying is I removed the virtual "mask" and have accepted who I am. 

I recently went to a class at Rumble Boxing on Walnut Street. It was the first day that it was open and my friend, Suzie, highly recommended going along with her. I looked up her friend who was leading the class, and realized, "HOLY SHIT! She is a BAD ASS BIATCH" (@shannabrenna -go check her out on Instagram). Prior to the class, I had reached out to Shannon (on IG) to list my concerns (strength, cancer, painful areas, stamina, etc).and let her know that I may not make it all the way through because, I frankly did not know what to expect.

NOTE: I LOATHE FAILURE!!!! 

Nonetheless, I went, and guess what - I had to leave the class halfway through - SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING! I immediately messaged Shannon and apologized. I never meant to just up and leave...that was not my goal. Since that class a few weeks ago, Shannon still messages me back when I have questions, even though I am sure I am a pain in the ass! I WANT to look my best, but I have yet to figure out what will work best for me and my body. Please note that I recently began attending physical therapy to work on my stamina and strengthen areas that have weakened from cancer. That's a start, right? Why can't I just snap my fingers and look like "FIT FAM" (insert some whining). Either way, I was VULNERABLE, so it was totally out of my comfort zone but... I DID IT!

Additionally, I have recently given a lot of thought to letting go of the expectations that are placed upon people. No, it is not always easy to "do your own thing" when people are depending on you. 

HOWEVER, WHEN IS IT YOUR TIME?

Everyone has expectations placed upon them, right? From being a mom/dad, wife/husband, step-parent, daughter/son, friend, animal parent, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc. - that is just the way it is...or is it? Who makes these rules and sets these expectations when it comes to being "the best" at any of the above roles? Ya got me beat because I sure as shit never received a manual. 

WHO ARE THE JONES' AND WHO DECIDED THAT WE HAVE TO KEEP UP WITH THEM?

Let me tell ya something - I may not have children or a husband, but I will be DAMNED if I spend time doing anything that does not fill my spirit. Personally, I would rather sit in my house and spend time with Dink, my dog, than anything else. Yes, it does get to a point where it is borderline unhealthy, but I do have friends that come and spend time with me as well. Now, I know that, as a friend, parent, significant other, etc, you have to compromise....I GET IT! But how do you find that balance? I know SO MANY PARENTS that never take time for themselves - the time to get their hair/nails done, go out with friends, smoke some weed if they want (don't act all innocent because I have known many of you for YEARS..haha), get tattoos, etc? If you are a responsible adult, who says you can't do any of that anymore? Who made the "rule" that you had to conform to those fucking Jones' again in order to be a better person? THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS HUMAN PERFECTION, parent or not. Again, I know I am speaking on something for which I have ZERO experience, but I would truly like to understand this. 

For example, this week I had a "Bad Mom's Day" with one of my best friends. She came over, we hung out and laughed, we laid around without ANY children interrupting her, and then we went and got matching tattoos. I KNEW she needed that day. Guess what? She was so grateful to her husband for not breaking her balls for doing it. 

Can having a taste of those old freedoms help in strengthening relationships?

Subjectively, we need to take complete ownership of who we are and who we want to be. I know, FOR A FACT, that I was meant to help others. I feel like I always made an effort to be a good human being; however it was not until I was diagnosed with cancer that I truly felt like I had found myself. I know that I can go out without my literal or figurative mask, and I will be the best me that I can be. I don't need to wear makeup or use filters on my pictures to make me whole. If that makes you feel better - DO YOU, BOO! BUT ALWAYS REMEMBER - JUST FUCKING BE HAPPY!

All love - KEEP MAKING THE MOST OF YOUR DASH (we only get one)!

Andy xoxo