It Was All A Dream...

Just recently, memories from throughout different parts of my life came flooding back to me. I am not sure if was because the greatest love of my life, Dink, passed away, or just that I have been having more pains recently, which immediately makes me reflect on the life that I have lived thus far and worry about how much time I have left. Whatever the reason, I have been thinking about the past and how fast all of this time has gone and what I am going to do with the time that I am still blessed to have.

As most of you know, my beautiful baby, Dink, was diagnosed with Intestinal Lymphoma on November 2, 2018. That was the reason that I did not attend the volunteer trip to Peru on November 3, 2018, with "A Fresh Chapter". Again, I apologize to everyone that donated, but I absolutely COULD NOT leave my baby when he was starting chemo. 

My boy was STRONG, and he kept me going alongside of him. I lovingly called our couch "The Chemo Couch" because it was ironic that we were BOTH on chemo. As time progressed, Dink was beginning to have other things start to go wrong. I cannot tell you how many things I had to cancel because, in all honesty, he was my baby and I refused to leave his side. For 11.5 years, that boy never spoke a word (obviously - he was a dog). But, he gave me the most love that I have ever felt from anyone. I always knew where he was and who he was with (besides me, he only ever went with Justin and his Fairy Dog Mama and Papa, Tara & Gary). All he wanted to do was love other people and boy did we feel that love EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

I would play "Fix You" by Coldplay and "Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave, and we would dance (him wrapped up in my arms so tightly) before our visits to VSEC (Veterinary Specialty and Emergency Center in South Philly). It was my way of praying to God that he would be ok. Collectively, we all did everything in our power to save his life but, in the end, it was his time to go. My baby was tired and I could see it in his eyes. I wish it was all a dream, or a horrible nightmare, but it was a sad reality.

Dink passed away in my arms on 

May 22, 2019. 

It truly was the saddest day of my life and yes, I am still grieving (I don't know if that ever gets any better). However, I know he is here with me. I may not see him physically but that little fucker is sending me signs. For example, while Lap of Love, the veterinary hospice, was in my home, I just held my baby and played "Fix You" by Coldplay. I sang it to him and apologized that I was unable to fix him and make him better. 

Fast forward to last week, I was a crying mess, as I have been many days since his passing. I looked up and asked Dink to give me a sign. I NEEDED a sign that he was in heaven looking down on all of us. Don't you know that I turned on Pandora and the first song was "Fix You". Then, I turned to a random station that has NOTHING to do with Christian music and "Overwhelmed" came on. Can you say SOBBING????? All I know is that when I reach those pearly gates, I believe that the man upstairs (whoever you all worship to - I lovingly call him God) will have Dink in his arms and a huge smile will be on both of their faces. I know he is going to put my baby down and he will run to me. That may sound morbid to some, but it is the most comforting feeling, knowing that I WILL see him again!

So after his passing, I began to focus on the pains I was having. I was so consumed with taking care of my boy that I was not truly taking care of myself. I saw many doctors and am now having some radiation for the pains in my neck (cervical spine).

So I always talk about "living my dash", right? But am I practicing what I preach? I have been thinking a lot about this lately because, if you know me, you know I sit in the house most of the time. If you know me, you know I am an open book. I am choosing to use this platform to explain how I can do some things and why I cannot do others. Trust me - it IS NOT up to me. Let me get into a little more detail and maybe it will become a little more clearer.

First off, I enjoy my own company. There aren't many people that can stay in the house for weeks at a time and not be bored. I think of it as a talent, in all honesty. However, there are times when I DO have the urge to go out and see a game or a concert because those are my favorite things to do. But, there are times that I cannot do those things either because of the pains that I am having. What I am getting at is that I AM living my dash, but in my own way:

• I am living my dash when I go visit Michele and Karen (friends for 25 years) and all of their babies or when they come here - it brings me so much joy! I am unable to have kids, so having their little ones know and love me is a blessing beyond words.

• I am living my dash when Brian and Ryan offer me to go to a game in a suite, it is an optimal situation because they are the first people that I went out with after my mastectomy. I know there is a private bathroom and I can leave without any issue, if necessary. They do not overwhelm me with any questions. They are just great people who love and include me when they absolutely do not have to!

• I am living my dash, when my buddy Bob comes over and when I talk to him on the phone nonstop (keep in mind, I fucking HATE talking on the phone).

• I am living my dash when I hang out with Justin, Whenever he is not traveling for work, he is here. He is a man of his word and never lets me down. 
• Pro tip - If you know anyone active in NA with a couple years of clean time, keep them close. They are amazing people who are truly there when you need them (and even when you don't). He has brought some amazing people into my life and I am so grateful.

• I am living my dash when all the girls are cracking up on group chats. It helps us to stay connected through everyone's crazy lives. We always try to make a point to hang out but the times that have come up most recently have been so hard for me to physically get up and go. Nonetheless, I am always there with them, in spirit.

• I am living my dash when my neighbors, particularly Christine and Kate, come over to just hang out, because we live in an ACTUAL neighborhood! Christine often offers to baby bird feed me because of my weight loss and lack of appetite. Kate brings food over also (she actually sends one of her little minions, which is even cuter).

• I am living my dash when I volunteer and raise money for organizations. For example - Booze for Boobs at Cheerleaders raised $8000 IN ONE NIGHT for Living Beyond Breast Cancer. I am so grateful for my Cheerleaders Family. Without ever dating my Patrick, we would not be where we are today - his family IS my family! 
• HEADS UP......we are having another PARTYYYYYYY!!!! We are raising money during Christmas in July at Cheerleaders! How blessed am I to have these giving people in my corner. This time, the door proceeds will go to Providence Animal Center & Living Beyond Breast Cancer in memory of DINK :) (if you have been to any of my parties - Tata to my Tatas, Andy' Banger or Booze for Boobs, you KNOW it is gonna be a fun time - PLUS Eddie Stank and Ronnie D are the DJ's). 
• *SAVE THE DATE - JULY 25th @ CHEERLEADERS PHILLY*

• I am living my dash by writing this blog - simple as that!

You may not know that I was the President of Academy Park High School, Class of 1998. I suppose I was a little wise beyond my years because I chose the following poem to read at our graduation. In finding this and reading the words again, the words are just as powerful today as they were on June 10, 1998. 

My point in writing all of this - JUST DO WHAT YOU CAN. This thing we call life just flashes before our eyes and then it's over, like IT WAS ALL A DREAM (shout out to my man, Christopher Wallace, AKA Notorious BIG)! 

None of us should live up to anyone else's standards. I know when my body is telling me to shut it down and when I am capable of being the "animal" I know that I can be. I get such anxiety when I have to decline on important things to me but, many times, I. JUST. CANNOT. DO. IT. Yes, it brings me to tears and I get a knot in my stomach thinking that no one is EVER going to invite me to anything ever again because they think of me as a flakey friend. Please know - that is NOT that case at all! The love I have for my family and friends is incomparable. I hope you can feel it from a distance because, quite frankly, I am doing the best that I can right now.

I know that sitting in my house is not ideal, but please don't judge me. I am usually here and ready to spend quality time with loved ones. I don't need to be out and about to live my dash. I believe this is a lesson for everyone to learn, sick or not.

__________________________________________________________________

Anyway,
The Paradoxical Commandments

by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.

Love them anyway

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.

Succeed anyway. 

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. 

Do good anyway. 

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. 

Be honest and frank anyway. 

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. 

Think big anyway. 

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. 

Fight for a few underdogs anyway. 

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. 

Build anyway. 

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. 

Help people anyway. 

Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. 

Give the world the best you have anyway.

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All love...KEEP LIVING YOUR DASH!

Andy xoxo